Quotes

Some great words by great men:


  • These jeans are driving my balls nuts.
  • At first, I didn't know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.
  • First rule for swimming: Speedo is French for maximum package exposure.
  • Dad... you were like a father to me.
  • 60 Percent of the time it works every time.
  • A new ship has come into port. A pirate ship, carrying some incredible booty.
  • I guess Cleopatra isn't the only queen of denial.
  • I don't make the rules. I just think them up and write them down.
  • Let me show you the roof. It's upstairs.
  • She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio's father.
  • In your own simple way you may be the wisest of us all.
  • What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
  • Intolerance will not be tolerated.
  • Personal philosophy? Clothing optional.
    anchorman quotes
  • You don't hit a girl with a chair on the first date.
  • Do you know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail? It rhymes with grape.
  • Excuse me, do you have Princess Diaries 1? I don't think I'll enjoy 2 unless I know how she became a princess.
  • Shut your mouth when you're talking to me!
  • Let me learn you something.
  • It is obvious that I am just an emotional whoopie cushion for you to sit on!
  • Some people say Kenny Powers is a woman-hater. That's not true; I love women - every fuckin' one of 'em. Even the ugly-as-shit ones.
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, do you own a scale?
  • A man doesn't think. He knows.
  • Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
  • Winter is coming. And I'm a sneaky little bee. Buzz buzz.
  • I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver, but it turned out to be a dead horse.
  • Have you heard of this internet thing? It's the inner netting of bathing suits.
  • Fundamentals are crutches for the talentless.
  • Get ready to ride the Palomino stallion.
  • When a monkey nibbles on a penis, it's funny in any language.
  • I think I'm going to bring back paisley.
    will & grace quotes
  • I'll shoot you in the pecker and make you eat it, you understand me?
  • I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum.
  • Great story. Compelling. And rich.
  • Strangers have the best candy.
  • Can I make one small request? Change everything about your personality.
  • From bodily fluids and hair samples, we've determined that a bunch of old homeless dudes had an orgy in there.
  • I'm just like you. But ten times better.
  • I'd characterize my lifestyle as subdued flamboyance.
  • Don't be tardy for the party!
  • Ain't this an old-fashioned shot to the nutsack?
  • Have you ever seen the movie Forrest Gump? He ran across the US and he was pretty stupid. I have faith in you.
  • I'd love to stay and chat but you're a total bitch.
  • You're like Nicki Minaj minus the everything.
  • Well, well, well. Welcome to the shallow end of the pool.
  • Open this door now, or I will jiggle the handle indefinitely!
  • The taxidermist is stuffing my mother.
  • It's not just for my protection. You don't know what kinda shit I got, either.
  • Big dong and prosper.
  • eric cartman south park quotesThis is gonna be a fucking bloodbath, Tom. There will be medical tents, ambulances, face painting.
  • You turn my software into hardware.
  • Holy flying baby shit!
  • And now that I have some wood, I will begin the erection of my settlement.
  • So you're a bird watcher. I bet you've seen a cockatoo.
  • If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?
  • Welcome to the darkness, bitches.
  • There are dreamers and realists, and you are an idiot.
  • His act combines the excitement of standing there with the thrill of saying words.
  • Can I get directions to the high road?
  • Kenny Powers' days of burning ass are done. And that's not a homosexual reference.
  • Just like Neil Armstrong, I went to space and now I'm back and nobody gives a shit.
  • I just came here to let you know, that I know, you're backstabbing me. And that is super fucked up.
    eastbound and down quotes
  • From this moment on you are no longer little kids. You are cold calculated murderers.
  • Dear Leslie, OMG, the McRib is back! Why was it ever gone?
  • The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ballsack.
  • Yeah, that's a great story, I felt like I was there.
  • Oh my God, I can hear the fat kid running. I bet it's hilarious.
  • They got me. That freaky guy from the park, and that kid who I think is his son, but may also be his lover, I don't know.
  • Excuse me, but do you have two nipples for a dime?
  • What about our constitutional right to watch two hotties get it on?
  • Now if you'll excuse me, milady, I have to take a shit.
  • Well, look what the whore dragged in... herself.
  • Martin Prince was known by many names. Martin Priss, Martin Princess, Fartsin Prince, Martin the Brown-Nosed Reindeer.
  • We should make it a competition. That way, we get the fun of someone losing.
  • Bring me a plate of your finest meats and cheeses!
  • I'm not a whore. I'm just a girl who likes a good time.
  • Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail.
  • If you love something, set it free. Unless it's a tiger.
  • Watch a sunset at least once a day.
  • I'm not gay in my heart. Just in my mouth.
  • Have you lost your mind as well as your looks?
  • It's a joke! Based on real events.
  • We have a policy of tolerance. We used to have a policy of openness, but that led to too many giggles.
  • I love me some me.
    adam carolla quotes
  • This movie is an insult to my intelligence.
  • This is a nice bed. I bet you can do some serious drilling on a work bench like this, huh?
  • My favorite flavor of popsicle is dick.
  • Shut. Your. Ass.
  • Roberta, please pass me the olive oil. The extra virgin kind. Not the regular kind that is not virgin and therefore is a lesser olive oil because the flavor has been tainted, causing it to be gross and much cheaper since nobody wants it.
  • One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical.
  • I've been excused of being too smart many times.
  • Honey, would you look at this, black people on the front page and they didn't murder anybody.
  • Where are you, Pepé Le Bitch?
  • One man's sucking is another man's blowing.
  • Prepare to be be fucked by the long dick of the law!
  • You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people. And douchebags.
  • The monkey's out of the bottle, man. Yeah. Pandora doesn't go back in the box. She only comes out.
  • Black, white, gay, straight... What's it matter? We all finish ourselves off in the end anyway!
  • Does my sexiness offend you?
  • It is a privilege and turn-on to carry your underthings.
  • You hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So... this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you might as well pack it in. Game over.
    stewie griffin quotes
  • As subtle as a sledgehammer and as humble as a peacock.
  • I will bring you down. Bring you down to Chinatown.
  • You're excited? Feel these nipples!
  • Would you like a hot dog with those buns?
  • I'm sorry, is my talking getting in the way of your interrupting?
  • I am a huge amount of fun.
  • Sophisticated urbanites. What a fun way to say gay.
  • 98 percent of us will die at some point in our lives.
  • I pull more tail than a slow kid at a petting zoo.
  • Oh, is that whipped cream, or are you planning to shave me? I mean, y'know, I'm fine either way.
  • When will white people finally have a voice?
  • Tell him I'll be there sharply at go-fuck-yourself-o'clock.
  • I couldn't be less mad at this.
  • Wow, you are more gay before 9AM than most people are all day.
  • Here I am. Beautiful as ever.
  • Let's not call it a problem. Let's call it an opportunity... To solve a serious problem.
  • You'll have to speak up. I'm wearing a towel.
  • I think women and seamen don't mix.
  • If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about.
    Hi I'm Troy McClure
  • You don't have to be scared to kiss a girl. I mean you damn near sucked a guy's dick back there.
  • This dude plows through more beaver than a reckless riverboat captain.
  • I'll beat your dick off with both hands. What's up? Let's go.
  • Paging Dr. Faggot.
  • If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer.
  • I am not just a light switch that you can just apologize to and expect me to forgive you.
  • No, I don't have a card. I'm famous.
  • Back in the day, you guys were getting more landing strip than Chuck Yeager.
  • A squirrel is one of the last animals you want around your genitalia.
  • If a homeless dude busts a nut on your forehead at 8.30 in the morning, that's a wrap on the rest of the day.
  • Think how hard it would be to catch a monkey and fuck it. It's ridiculous.
  • I have nothing but the utmost respect for you skanks.
  • She was a ho. This chick had more Trojans inside of her than the Coliseum. The home of the USC Trojans. On a home game. She had that many Trojans inside of her before.
  • You had it all, and now it's gone. [...] So you turn to the drugs, the alcohol, the pornography, freebasin' with O.J., human trafickin', dog fights-slash-orgies... Darkness.
  • If you leave milk out, it can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or failing that, a cool wet sack.
  • Look at the mass on this bitch.
  • I got the belts rigged up in the bedroom. Are you ready to see who blacks out first?
  • I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
  • Don't think of me as your boss. Think of me as your rich friend who can fire you.
  • You still think this is a giggle fest, private son-of-a-bitch?
  • When you're hungry for a corn dog, a midget with a butcher knife doesn't dance, does he?
  • If you want to get real, then don't put a horse shoe inside a pillow.
  • Would there be a gap between the hotel and the hospital? Bidet-wise?
    Dave Chappelle quotes
  • Should the bidet be damaged beyond repair, how soon would you be able to replace it with a new bidet?
  • Ladies, are you familiar with the works of Zack & Cody?
  • Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.
  • What's your spirit animal - jackass?
  • Hey, I love your dinosaur sandles. Oh, those are just your feet? My bad. 
  • Have you heard of that new perfume, Stripper Garbage? Weird, 'cause you're wearing it.
  • Your man appears to be travelling with the bear. Either as a hostage or as what we call a forest bride.
  • Attention shoppers. My business is open for business.
  • This is a relation-ship. If one of the crew go overboard, the ship sinks.
  • He just found out that his chick has been sucking more trout than a school of Lamprey eels.
  • I caught you a delicious bass.
  • Cletus, you are the best husband - and son - I've ever had.
  • He built this place with his own blood, sweat and tears. And a little semen.
  • My whole sock oeuvre has many more than 18.
  • I see you're drinking 1%. Is that beause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.
  • Like Heidi Klum, my father is recently divorced. Unlike Heidi Klum: everything else.
  • I was just looking for a Flintstones chewable to get me through a tough Wednesday, and I took a schwanz pill by accident.
  • I've been lifting weights and doing  cocaine all day.
    Napoleon dynamite quote
  • If I'm not touching myself, the futon's getting it.
  • When she died, I knew I'd never find another woman who'd make me as happy, and that's when I boarded the dude train.
  • We put the fun in funeral.
  • Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for a late pizza.
  • I'm taking you to boner town, bitch!
  • Your baby... has HIV. Is how bad this could have got. The condom was unused.
  • I'll leave you alone forever now.
  • This is not about sexuality. This is about survival!
  • The thing about you that I find interesting is absolutely nothing.
  • I'm a small man in some ways, Bart. A small, petty man.
  • I'm not going to go past second with this old guy, but if I have to, I will.
  • All I know is, the Jews must have done something pretty bad to get Hitler that mad at them.
  • Beside shortness, what other genetic weaknesses run in your family?
  • I wonder how many people aren't jerking off to me?
  • This place smells like beer and shame.
  • Yes, may I please speak to pizza?
  • They call me the fireman because I turn on the hoes.
  • The monkey's out of the bottle now!
  • It's time to suck today's dick!
  • Hide the perishables. I am the cockroach of comedy.
  • I want you to be honest with me. Why do white people like Carrot Top?
  • It's too hot, my frickin' vagina's sweating.
  • If you don't have nothing racist to say, don't say nothing at all.
  • You know what's not lame? Safety.
  • The finest eating establishment ever established for eating.
    Spongebob Squarepants funny quote
  • I think I need to change my pants. I'm just playing, I didn't cum in my pants.
  • I know you're not a natural beauty, but I think that with the right clothes and the right look, you can be very striking.
  • You can save your peptalk for somebody who needs it. I got this comeback locked down tight like a little girl's tuna.
  • There is no 'I' in team. But there is a 'U' in cunt. So don't be little jealous cunts, okay?
  • I would totally rage in Japan.
  • If people don't like you, how are you supposed to know if you like yourself?
  • Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snizz just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves.
  • I'm really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in your pitiful dickhead lives.
  • Ms. Walker, I have dated many women with physical and mental disabilities in my time, but of the ones in chairs, might I say you are the loveliest.
  • The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me. I'm completely clueless.
  • I must say, in many ways, Springfield really beats the old slave labor camp.
  • I can't go on. You two go ahead, and carry me with you.
  • I would be kind to my rabbit subjects. At first.
  • If you need me, I'll be down here on the floor dying.
  • I hope no one minds if I live tweet this bitch.
  • Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?
  • Yes, I am a hunter, and it's you season.
  • Never let people define you, especially others.
  • He tested positive for Ebola. It was asymptomatic until he started firehosing diarrhea from his ass.
  • I once dated a girl who owned a parakeet. Oh my god, that fucking thing never shut up. But the bird was cool.
    Anthony Jeselnik funny quote
  • If it wasn't for Romeo and Juliet, I would have totally overreacted when my fiancée killed herself.
  • I've spent the past two years looking for my girlfriend's killer. But no one'll do it.
  • My family is exactly like the Brady Bunch. We might not be perfect, but my father did die from aids.
  • I once mowed the lawn at a battered women's shelter. If you know what I mean.
  • Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence. Because, if she doesn't have that... Then she's mine.
  • You're dressed like you're the CEO of a pumpkin patch.
  • I'm not some drug addict who wants drugs. I have drugs.
  • I don't know and I don't wanna know. And I'm going to find out.
  • If you do this you'll be a social piranha.
  • If you're well-to-do and you just gotta hunt humans...
  • Everything that's good has an element of danger. Sex, pizza...
  • I don't know if I want to help you or euthanize you.
  • This is Milhouse. He's my best friend. Because of, eh, geographical convenience, really.
  • Your selection of nuts is insane. I had no idea such a variety of nuts was available.
  • Unlike the bible, I guess this ain't gonna have a happy ending.
  • Excuse my language, but I'm one happy camper.
  • Can being struck by thunder help you lose weight?
  • I figure after it's been in a deep fryer it's no longer human.
  • What do they do in general with dead cats?
  • Tonight I begin part 1 of my 11-part series of the power and mystery of the human vagina. This series will be a tasteful look at just what makes a vagina tick as well as a look at the 50 greatest vaginas of the 20th century.
  • What I'm going through right now is a 100 times worse than what the Elephant Man wen though. 
  • Do my grotesque features amuse you?
  • I'll ride your moustache all the way to hell.
  • Talk about a river of ejaculate. A volume I had never seen in my lifetime. Now I know what the villagers of Pompeii felt like.
  • I sort of have a grasp on what I'm doing on a day-to-day basis. 
    Charlie Day - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
  • It's not that he's evil. He lacks empathy and goes into a dissociative state and commits atrocities.
  • Here is your official rape whistle. Don't blow it unless it's actually happening.
  • They call gambling a disease. But it's the only disease where you can make money.
  • Vietnamese Jesus is just drippin' swagoo.
  • I just wanna get in bed and watch Friends all day.
  • I'm a solo artist now, like Beyoncé.
  • You were like a tiny little flower seed and I was clenching you in my fist. But a flower, it can't grow in a fist.
  • We're gonna have to tear those annals up.
  • Whoops, I just dropped my Magnum condom that I put on my monster dong.
  • You look like you're in phenomenal shape. You got the AIDS? You're doing Pilates? What's going on?
  • I pay like I walk. Handsomely.
  • You're only as strong as your strongest servant.
  • It looks great and it... smells.
  • She's such a brave little toaster.
  • To protect and serve, not to harass and douche.
  • Make me proud or at least less ashamed.
  • Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs put a foot in your ass.
  • I had a dream about this moment. When I was making love to my wife Donna. One top of her. Powerful thrusts. Filling the saultry night air. Heavy breath. My son Gabriel walks in, little boy. My wife sprung out of bed and said "No Gabriel, leave." I said "No honey, shut your mouth, let him watch. Let him watch what's gonna be consecrated here." And I will bring my son down here and he will watch. He will watch you two battling here. You two, becoming one. Okay? This isn't a game anymore, this isn't a game.
  • Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless.
  • Now we have a firm grasp of the obvious.
  • It's on like Alderaan!
  • Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls.
  • I'm Edward Pizzahands.
  • I can't go because I don't want to.
  • I haven't eated since the last time I eated.
  • Well, well, well... How the turntables.
  • Despite all my emails, the toilet didn't have a seatbelt.
  • Last night I had a dream we bought matching side by side mansions. But, there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard. What do you think that means?
  • It wasn't a pyjama party. It was just a couple of bros hanging out, giggling, eating cookie dough and watching Princess Bride.
  • I mean does my scar look like a dog vagina? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, I don't know. I'm not going to sit here and try to get inside the head of a dog. You know? That's nog my job, that's God's.
  • What is your spaghetti policy here?
  • Sir, we all have cats we'd rather be home playing with right now.
  • Statistically, women don't know statistics.
  • No offense, but you are a stupid asshole.
  • It doesn't matter whose fault the break-up was. I was stubborn, you were like a mentally ill whore from the 1800's.
  • Some will be disfigured. In some cases, lasting friendships will be made. And as usual, no touching of the hair or face.
  • I would eat dolphins if it was legal.
  • I'm not getting a third cat, 'cause you know two cats is a party, three cats is a cat lady.
  • Sorry about hitting you at dinner. Happy anniversary.
  • It's not just safe. It's 40 percent safe.
  • They look just like you. Arms, legs, ugly.
  • Despite your bimbo-like good looks, you're very smart.
  • The worst part about donating blood is the feeling of giving.
  • If you need anything, just ask. Someone else.
  • You're entitled to your wrong opinion, that's fine.
  • My uncle Tom runs a summer camp for kids about to be molested.
  • Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations... of how easy it's gonna be to tear of a head.
  • My mom should have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11. I think.
  • I don't believe in 'too soon'. I'm on a tight schedule.
  • She's got the body of a crack whore ... but the razor-sharp wit of a crack whore.
  • Imagine what I'd get if I applied myself. Guess we'll never know.
  • Have you ever been with a premature ejaculator?
  • Is your name Medusa? Because I'm rock hard right now.
  • Does this smell like chloroform to you?
  • I put the S-T-D in stud. All I need is U.
  • Which of you two has low standards? I'm looking for a girlfriend.
  • I'm no weatherman, but you can expect a few inches tonight.
  • Why are you sad? Thinking about your marriage?
  • I'm not a dog. I'm a people.
  • According to my calculations, shup up.
  • Father's Day is the one time a year can dress like a total slut and no other dads can say anything about it.
  • Hardware stores are very underrated as places to clear your head.
  • A-ha, the bat. Ambassador of darkness. Flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabre. 

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